Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
