dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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