Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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