We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
