Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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