I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
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so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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