Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
