look no pants
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
