Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
