I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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