drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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