I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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