i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
