That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
