I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
