I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You don't make any sense
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