New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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