what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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