is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
