you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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