He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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