I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
