The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
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Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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