Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
