Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I need moral support for this bender
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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