Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
