that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
be right there i have to get my cape
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
