I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just had sex on a roof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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