dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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