yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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