i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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