My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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