Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
