Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
