I should be sponsored by Trojan
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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