I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
