Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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