when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
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Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
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You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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