I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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