Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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