i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
