i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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