I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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