I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
