her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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