I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
