Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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