What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Randomize
