; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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