Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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