apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
