I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
