I'm pants shitting drunk right now
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
