are you still at the devil's house?
This is not my ceiling
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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