I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Randomize
