Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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