just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
