I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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