as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
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the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
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I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder