who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.