It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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