I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
